I'm sitting here in an act of fear , a fear of not knowing where i go from here....i've been so stressed and no one even sees it. i wish i could go back 19 years and change my life...make it all disappear , all the wrongs, all the struggles, everything i went through, i want to go back and feel weakness . I've lived everyday with the act of being strong for others, not once for myself. i did it because it was my only choice...for my family, for my brothers, sisters and my mom....being the strong one wasn't easy i acted like i was fine when deep inside i was dying ...I'm one person who can say I've felt pain, and hurt , and absolutely hopeless more than any person should in one lifetime. I've experienced and seen more than one should in 19 years, i feel like i use my past as a barrier in my present when try so hard not to ....what I've been through affects me in so many ways no one would understand...others say the past is the past and it should be left behind to live your present and look forward to your future....but my past haunts me, one act that i do or someone does that was part of my past just makes me remember it all , all over again . it doesn't go away...someone told me one time i use my past as an excuse and honestly it hit me hard ..i didn't have anything to say, i felt like everything went black ...i don't see myself using my past as an excuse i see myself using my past as a barrier of protection. to not relive the same situation or be put in the same situation. i don't want my past to be in my present or future, i deserve more than i lived than. i could re-live every second, minute, hour, and day of my childhood. i could tell you every action taken, every seen i went through detail by detail. but that won't fix anything it will just be a memory . I'm a 19 year old girl who lives every day worrying what comes next. I've been through a lot yes but that doesn't define who i have become ....lupus was just a add on in my exciting life....honestly i wasn't surprised when i got sick, it gave me another reason to show my strength to prove i can overcome my darkest hours , i wasn't made to break and yes ill admit i break down here and there but who doesn't...i'm human. I'm at a crossroad in my life right now ...do i stay strong or break? i seriously want to break , but i know that would only mean i lost hope...I'm not that girl, i will stay strong until my battle is over with life. I' have nothing to prove to anyone except myself ..to prove my strength has reason, because without my strength i wouldn't have made it this far...so i have to keep going...i have nothing more to lose ...With Pain Comes Strength!
Your Warrior,
Annastasia <3
