Ticking Time Bomb

 do you ever just want to scream and yell at the top of your lungs so it fees like someone hears you? so much is going on and i'm trying to keep my head up and act like i'm getting through it when in all reality i'm really not . i've been having all sorts of health issues for a couple months now , i've had abnormal bleeding and pains that i was concerned about but every time i went to the hospital for it they kept telling me it was hormones. i wasn't getting any answers that made sense , then i started getting really bad blood clots the size of my hand and i was getting more worried . so i finally decided to make an appointment with a specialist a obgyn. my first appointment was on the 1st of this year, good way to start off 2021 right ? well i told the dr everything going on and he told me its definitely not hormones and something more. they ran so many test that day and took 24 tubes of blood. then I had to wait another few weeks for answers. i got 2 calls back saying i had two really bad infections in my body so they sent me meds to clear those up first . January 20th was the next appointment the one we go over all the results and hopefully get some answers to everything going on . they scheduled an ultrasound for me that morning as well. me and ultrasounds never had good luck the last time i had one i found out my sweet pea had no heartbeat, it nearly destroyed me , so i was pretty emotional going in there and getting it done i had a little breakdown but i got through it and let the nurse do her thing. when that finished i went into another room and waited for the dr. which felt like forever . i was getting more and more nervous i'm pretty good about detecting when bad news is coming and i was nothing but right . dr sandler walked in with a nurse who was holding a box a tissues, so in that moment i felt frozen. if they need tissues for me something must really be wrong. he sat down next to me and i looked at him and told him to not sugar coat anything give it to me straight. the ultrasound showed a huge cyst in my uterus that's causing a blockage on my lining which is causing the blood clots in my body. he told me it needs to be removed as soon as possible in which ill be having a surgery and ill be sedated. which that scared me but i didn't shed a tear yet i was staying strong and just trying to listen to every word and understand as best as i could. he said there were other little cyst and something else called appolic in my uterus as well, which they were so small to see he wasn't to worried about it. then he said i have protein S in my urine which is causing my kidneys to be damaged and on the urge of failing. i was holding back the tears and fighting the tight feeling i had in my throat to not burst out in tears. my body was so tense i didn't wanna move. he asked if i was okay and i told him to just continue please.... the next part broke me , he asked me if i still was trying to get pregnant? i told him yes ...he looked at me and told me for my best interest i shouldn't ..i didn't understand i started crying and the nurse sat down next to me and grabbed my hand, dr sandler said if i ever tried to conceive or carry it would kill me . my kidneys and other organs would shut down. so having a baby is not in my story anymore....no one i mean no one will ever understand the pain that shot through my body and the silent tears that followed. i couldn't be strong anymore i wanted to scream . being a mom is something iv dreamt of since i was a little girl taking care of my siblings and everyone else. it was supposed to happen for me, i was supposed to have a little boy and his name was supposed to be leviathan then i was supposed to have a little girl and name her amelia jayne, this is was supposed to be my story . i was supposed to be a mom! i was supposed to have the most precious gift on this earth! what am i supposed to do now ? whats my purpose in my life anymore... its killing me and i'm lost more than ever. i wake up every night at 2:17 and cry , i wake up again and again and the nightmares of the visit stay in my head. i cant sleep anymore i haven't slept since the drs visit! how do you accept something that wasn't supposed to happen? i'm so mad at god and people telling me i'm going to be fine ! how do they know that.. i feel like a ticking time bomb just ready to explode and lose it all. kidneys damaged, no babies, cyst, surgery, it was all playing in my head over and over . is this my story now. to wait for my kidneys to fail, to wait for my lupus to hit the rest of my main organs. i'm scared, i'm terrified, i'm sad, and mad and every emotion that describes not happy . i taking this all one day at time but its not easy, waiting for this surgery date is nerve racking , i feel like i have no control over my own body anymore. lupus is taking over my life for the first time in 9 years i feel like its winning and i'm losing . this is the only place i can truly express myself and write how i truly feel with no judgement or disappointment ! i guess we wait and see what happens next ..... i need to find some kind of hope again.... ;/

Who am I Supposed to Be?

            I'm sitting here an every time i write something i slowly delete it.  it's like i don't know or i forgot how to write what I'm feeling most and it scares me so much, I'm sitting here with a hurt heart and an emotion of anger. i feel like everyday I'm fighting to be a better me and some days i succeed and some days i fail. i fight an everyday battle not only with my lupus but with myself and my bi polar . its like i turn into someone i was supposed to be past but have no control of.  i want to change that but what steps do i take ? i feel like I'm losing myself again and the person i fought to be for months and I'm trying my best to keep this smile across my face and show everyone I'm trying and I'm happy . but how do you tell someone you feel like your dying inside ? how do you tell someone your losing yourself? i don't wanna feel like anyone's burden, i don't wanna feel like I'm disappointing people when I'm supposed to be someone people look up to and follow as a leader. i feel like a failure .... I'm  sitting here on the edge of my bed with a bottle of tequila wondering why i think drinking is okay at a time of hurt ? I'm sitting here thinking of 3 years ago when  i almost took my own life and gave it all up..what was i thinking ...why would i think giving up was an option in my life? why could i be so selfish ...is it wrong to be tired? is it wrong to want to appear as weak for a split moment in time ? i started this blog to show the real me and the struggles and accomplishments of being  warrior ...but why is it i feel like this warrior cant do wrong without being look down upon. on top of fighting this inner battle my health also hasn't made it easy on me to be stress free or the most happy. i feel like my body is shutting down on me , its been doctors and tests and just one thing after another of bad news. I'm terrified the infections through my body will get worse, I'm terrified of the ultrasound i get done will show something else wrong within my body. i just want answers to why my body is constantly in pain. i want answers on why I'm having abnormal bleeding and blood clots the size of my hands, i want answers of why i cant have kids without it killing me . these all boil down to the answer of lupus. the disease that saved  me but yet is also killing me , i don't understand anymore, i don't understand how i deserve this, i don't understand why the very thing in life i want most i cant have . to be a mother and to bare a child of my own. i want someone to think of me and put me first and realize how i feel on a day to day basis, how i feel at doctors appointments receiving bad news and taking it as strong as i show. sadly the only peace of relief i get when I'm in pain or hurting from bad news is my christian music that reassures me there's some kind of hope out there and i start to believe it cant get worse from here. i need reassurance that's its okay to cry in front of others instead of crying when i'm alone, or in the car ride home, or in the shower , or in the middle of night when I'm fighting to sleep. its time for me to show my true colors of hurt to the world and let people see how imperfect i really am . i may be strong, i may be weak, i may be happy and i may be sad. every moment in my life i try to make everyone else happy ans make sure they don't worry , but maybe its time to let them worry and see the pain i bury within myself. its time to put myself first again . its time to get my life and health where its supposed to be . sometimes venting to myself is a start of seeing who i am and who I'm supposed to be. ITS OK TO NOT BE OK! I'm going to get to where i need to be starting today. i'm not here to give up hope or lose my life but I'm allowed to feel pained within myself and actions. the warrior within is rising again in more ways than i've showed in a long time .