Ticking Time Bomb

 do you ever just want to scream and yell at the top of your lungs so it fees like someone hears you? so much is going on and i'm trying to keep my head up and act like i'm getting through it when in all reality i'm really not . i've been having all sorts of health issues for a couple months now , i've had abnormal bleeding and pains that i was concerned about but every time i went to the hospital for it they kept telling me it was hormones. i wasn't getting any answers that made sense , then i started getting really bad blood clots the size of my hand and i was getting more worried . so i finally decided to make an appointment with a specialist a obgyn. my first appointment was on the 1st of this year, good way to start off 2021 right ? well i told the dr everything going on and he told me its definitely not hormones and something more. they ran so many test that day and took 24 tubes of blood. then I had to wait another few weeks for answers. i got 2 calls back saying i had two really bad infections in my body so they sent me meds to clear those up first . January 20th was the next appointment the one we go over all the results and hopefully get some answers to everything going on . they scheduled an ultrasound for me that morning as well. me and ultrasounds never had good luck the last time i had one i found out my sweet pea had no heartbeat, it nearly destroyed me , so i was pretty emotional going in there and getting it done i had a little breakdown but i got through it and let the nurse do her thing. when that finished i went into another room and waited for the dr. which felt like forever . i was getting more and more nervous i'm pretty good about detecting when bad news is coming and i was nothing but right . dr sandler walked in with a nurse who was holding a box a tissues, so in that moment i felt frozen. if they need tissues for me something must really be wrong. he sat down next to me and i looked at him and told him to not sugar coat anything give it to me straight. the ultrasound showed a huge cyst in my uterus that's causing a blockage on my lining which is causing the blood clots in my body. he told me it needs to be removed as soon as possible in which ill be having a surgery and ill be sedated. which that scared me but i didn't shed a tear yet i was staying strong and just trying to listen to every word and understand as best as i could. he said there were other little cyst and something else called appolic in my uterus as well, which they were so small to see he wasn't to worried about it. then he said i have protein S in my urine which is causing my kidneys to be damaged and on the urge of failing. i was holding back the tears and fighting the tight feeling i had in my throat to not burst out in tears. my body was so tense i didn't wanna move. he asked if i was okay and i told him to just continue please.... the next part broke me , he asked me if i still was trying to get pregnant? i told him yes ...he looked at me and told me for my best interest i shouldn't ..i didn't understand i started crying and the nurse sat down next to me and grabbed my hand, dr sandler said if i ever tried to conceive or carry it would kill me . my kidneys and other organs would shut down. so having a baby is not in my story anymore....no one i mean no one will ever understand the pain that shot through my body and the silent tears that followed. i couldn't be strong anymore i wanted to scream . being a mom is something iv dreamt of since i was a little girl taking care of my siblings and everyone else. it was supposed to happen for me, i was supposed to have a little boy and his name was supposed to be leviathan then i was supposed to have a little girl and name her amelia jayne, this is was supposed to be my story . i was supposed to be a mom! i was supposed to have the most precious gift on this earth! what am i supposed to do now ? whats my purpose in my life anymore... its killing me and i'm lost more than ever. i wake up every night at 2:17 and cry , i wake up again and again and the nightmares of the visit stay in my head. i cant sleep anymore i haven't slept since the drs visit! how do you accept something that wasn't supposed to happen? i'm so mad at god and people telling me i'm going to be fine ! how do they know that.. i feel like a ticking time bomb just ready to explode and lose it all. kidneys damaged, no babies, cyst, surgery, it was all playing in my head over and over . is this my story now. to wait for my kidneys to fail, to wait for my lupus to hit the rest of my main organs. i'm scared, i'm terrified, i'm sad, and mad and every emotion that describes not happy . i taking this all one day at time but its not easy, waiting for this surgery date is nerve racking , i feel like i have no control over my own body anymore. lupus is taking over my life for the first time in 9 years i feel like its winning and i'm losing . this is the only place i can truly express myself and write how i truly feel with no judgement or disappointment ! i guess we wait and see what happens next ..... i need to find some kind of hope again.... ;/

Who am I Supposed to Be?

            I'm sitting here an every time i write something i slowly delete it.  it's like i don't know or i forgot how to write what I'm feeling most and it scares me so much, I'm sitting here with a hurt heart and an emotion of anger. i feel like everyday I'm fighting to be a better me and some days i succeed and some days i fail. i fight an everyday battle not only with my lupus but with myself and my bi polar . its like i turn into someone i was supposed to be past but have no control of.  i want to change that but what steps do i take ? i feel like I'm losing myself again and the person i fought to be for months and I'm trying my best to keep this smile across my face and show everyone I'm trying and I'm happy . but how do you tell someone you feel like your dying inside ? how do you tell someone your losing yourself? i don't wanna feel like anyone's burden, i don't wanna feel like I'm disappointing people when I'm supposed to be someone people look up to and follow as a leader. i feel like a failure .... I'm  sitting here on the edge of my bed with a bottle of tequila wondering why i think drinking is okay at a time of hurt ? I'm sitting here thinking of 3 years ago when  i almost took my own life and gave it all up..what was i thinking ...why would i think giving up was an option in my life? why could i be so selfish ...is it wrong to be tired? is it wrong to want to appear as weak for a split moment in time ? i started this blog to show the real me and the struggles and accomplishments of being  warrior ...but why is it i feel like this warrior cant do wrong without being look down upon. on top of fighting this inner battle my health also hasn't made it easy on me to be stress free or the most happy. i feel like my body is shutting down on me , its been doctors and tests and just one thing after another of bad news. I'm terrified the infections through my body will get worse, I'm terrified of the ultrasound i get done will show something else wrong within my body. i just want answers to why my body is constantly in pain. i want answers on why I'm having abnormal bleeding and blood clots the size of my hands, i want answers of why i cant have kids without it killing me . these all boil down to the answer of lupus. the disease that saved  me but yet is also killing me , i don't understand anymore, i don't understand how i deserve this, i don't understand why the very thing in life i want most i cant have . to be a mother and to bare a child of my own. i want someone to think of me and put me first and realize how i feel on a day to day basis, how i feel at doctors appointments receiving bad news and taking it as strong as i show. sadly the only peace of relief i get when I'm in pain or hurting from bad news is my christian music that reassures me there's some kind of hope out there and i start to believe it cant get worse from here. i need reassurance that's its okay to cry in front of others instead of crying when i'm alone, or in the car ride home, or in the shower , or in the middle of night when I'm fighting to sleep. its time for me to show my true colors of hurt to the world and let people see how imperfect i really am . i may be strong, i may be weak, i may be happy and i may be sad. every moment in my life i try to make everyone else happy ans make sure they don't worry , but maybe its time to let them worry and see the pain i bury within myself. its time to put myself first again . its time to get my life and health where its supposed to be . sometimes venting to myself is a start of seeing who i am and who I'm supposed to be. ITS OK TO NOT BE OK! I'm going to get to where i need to be starting today. i'm not here to give up hope or lose my life but I'm allowed to feel pained within myself and actions. the warrior within is rising again in more ways than i've showed in a long time .

HAPPY 7 YEARS!

hey guys sorry i havent posted in a very long time life as somewhat been crazy the last year and so . but im going to be making my video for my 7 years and my update on everything thats changed. i have a lot to catch you up on for it will most likely be a 2 part video this time. im workin on the post right now but be looking for it in a few!

5 Year Anniversary

December 8th 2011... No one could ever understand the meaning behind this date except me. The day i got diagnosed is the day that will always be remembered...although everyone remembers it different,  the day your phone rings and getting a call saying " Stasia is really sick and shes  in the hospital" "she has lupus" then thinking to yourself "oh she's going to be ok, this to shall pass" "whats lupus" "how did she get it" all these questions were being brought up and thought of...but can you just imagine what was running through my mind and all the questions i had at 15 years old laying in a hospital bed with doctors and nurses and social workers surrounding me on a day to day basis. I was terrified ! Its crazy to me to know i can recite that day in my head by every second and minute and hour that passed. i remember being home sick for a week because i was having issues, my knees were hurting so bad i couldn't even walk, i started getting some type of rash on my face, and ulcers all in my mouth and on my body, that's when i finally told my mom we need to make a doctors appointment because i knew something wasn't right, i knew i wasn't ok...my mom called one of her friends to come take me and her to the closest walk in doctor around town, when we got to the doctors office i was telling my mom hopefully this goes quick and i can get back to school...well the doctor called me in to get checked out and i told him all my symptoms and what i remember more than anything was the look this doctor gave me...that moment i looked at my mom and my heart starting beating because i knew i was right im not ok...the doctor didnt say a word he grabbed a notepad and started writing and handed it to me saying i need to go to queen of the valley hospital this is a more serious situation than he can handle. so i walked out and we headed to the hospital in silence because i had nothing to say. well i arrived at queen of the valley and because of that stupid little note i got a straight through pass, no waiting for me....i was placed in a room and i was still quiet and so was my mom...we were both scared and worried and just wanted answers...so again i had to wait for another doctor. i had 3 doctors check me out one at a time top to bottom it was so uncomfortable for me i was shaking...the n they left and what felt like forever the clock just kept ticking and i was still laying there in silence....finally a doctor came in and looked at me and asked if he wanted my mom to step out of the room and i said no i want her here by my side...so he checked me top to bottom just like the other 3 and when he was done he looked at me and again i had nothing but fear in my eyes from his...he didn't say anything at first he just kept staring at my mom then to me again and finally said Ms.Gonzalez we think you have lupus or bechets ...i had no idea what he even said because i've never heard of either of those,,then he continued....they are autoimmune diseases , a cancer! i stayed calm but frozen and felt tears falling down my face then telling him to continue to explain....he said that's all the predictions we can make or tell you so he said i'm transferring you to millers children's long beach hospital we will have the ambulance take you we have to keep you monitored. then he left the room and i looked at my mom in fear and she looked at me the same way because her baby girl wasn't ok... the ambulance ride felt like it took forever i was laying there hooked up with monitors and needles in my arms and strapped down to a bed, when we arrived it was super late so they submitted me to a room a really small room. with blue walls and a single hospital bed that i didn't wanna fill. i was so tired i just wanted to sleep but i couldn't i had more doctors to see and more worrying to do. all through out the night i had nurses coming in and changing my fluids and poking me with more needles and running test after test... a few days passed and i was still laying there but they changed me rooms a bigger one i guess to try to make me feel comfortable...i still haven't got any answers just test after test still...could you imagine what i was going through days passing and still not knowing anything,,,,after more days passed a doctor came in Dr.Shaham and she looked at me and checked me top to bottom which was nothing new for me in that moment...she was asking me questions and i remember not being able to answer or remember so i broke down and started crying she lifted my head and said we can do this tomorrow...and hugged me and walked out while i rested for another long endless night....the next day she walked in again and told my mom to come near me along side the bed and she said "you have lupus" thats when my life did a complete 360....she went on explaining what it was and that its disease, no cure, meds for treatment, its chronic which means ill have it forever....i didnt cry, i didnt tear up, i didnt freeze, i simply said "ok" she handed me a stack of papers and it was for me to do my own research and get to know my disease. a nurse then walked in with the biggest bag of pills and meds ive ever seen, she said these are yours...we will have a nurse come in and tell you when an how to take them...i just said "ok" it wasnt until december 25th 2011 i got to go home..christmas day...i was so weak and tired i couldnt do much. no one could see me unless you had a face mask and gloves and sanitized completely .days went by more hospitals visits and pain that was unbearable...i was ready to let go and give up so many times...but i didnt i stayed strong and the thing is it was really for me i did it more my mom and my siblings that i know needed me around....if it wasnt for them i probably woudnt be here today....lupus changed my life and who i am as an individual. the first few years were rough and i lost myself i was depressed and felt more alone than ever...but again that didnt stop me...years kept going and now im here at year 5 healthier than ive ever been since the day i got sick. people say im an inspiration and its those who stick with me that inpsire me to be who i am. lupus saved my life! im a lupus warrior and forever will i stay strong and live life to the fullest!


                                                                  Love as Always your lUPIE! <3

I Am Strong!

        You ever feel as if you're standing in a large crowd but yet still feel as if your alone and no one even notices you're there? Sometimes i feel so out place and far far away in a world where no one exist...its terrifying and i find myself losing direction on where to go or who to turn to! im not one to give up and im not saying im starting now because giving up isn't in my cards and never will be even when im at my toughest moments. But i don't think others realize its okay for me to not be okay every second of the day, im only human and just like anyone else in this world we have our good and bad and our  ups and downs, perfect living doesn't exist in this world or even in fairy-tales.  Struggles come and go as do seconds, minutes, hours,  and days....they fly by like a blink of an eye. I have had many struggles and obstacles in my time but thats never stopped me from moving forward ..don't get me wrong I've wanted to let go and give up multiple times but then i look back and realize thats not who i want to be...i have a strength like no other..i've learned to strive and be thankful for what i have even if its not that much! i know my worth and its ok for me to be selfish sometimes. others don't understand you have to put yourself first at times and let others go to find yourself.  I've seen a me come out that i thought was lost forever...the couple of months i have done a complete u turn and i see everything with all new perspectives. I'm so happy an alive and getting everything in line finally. I'm a college student starting her dream while working at a job with nothing but great experience as a teacher. i strive through my days with the Lord and with a positive attitude.  my health is better than its ever been in the last 5 years...every one is so proud of me but can you imagine how i feel! I' can finally sit here and tell the world besides my struggles and my health and my ups and downs i am absolutely the HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE! I'm my own hero of my own story and its just the beginning...but i will get my happy ending one day and no one can change that! forever i will be a  Lupus Warrior and a Warrior of God! Life is Good ! Change is a blessing! & Strength is Inner Beauty! 

                                                                        Love As Always, 
                                                                             Stasiia Your Lupie Warrior <3

Change Matters...

          So tonight I'm sitting here with more than a changed me but I'm someone with a whole new outlook on life and all new perspectives..i've grown from the last time I've wrote and I'm happier than ever, its my time to tell you how my new journey is going i hope your ready so here i go.....
          i found myself losing faith in myself and everything around me i was acting out and giving up on everything and everyone. i was scared because i didn't like the me that was coming i cried alot because i felt alone and lost,like i had no one. but in this time of desperation i was calling out for a change something good, but it never came it was as if things just kept getting worse for me...i was becoming a nobody, and not doing anything with my life. it was one thing after another and no change was happening so i was ready to give up everything and end it all. no one had realized the pain and hurt i was going through because i smiled my ways through the day and hid the lost in my eyes it wasn't easy in fact it felt like it just made things worse because i was keeping everything in. 
          but then a miracle happened and my papa booked a ticket to Hawaii so i was leaving for a month , a getaway somewhere i was hoping i could get my mind off everything and let go and enjoy myself with my big sister Marilyn and my lovely nieces Amaya and Kylee. i got there and tears of joy hit my face she hugged me with such care and love i felt safe and not alone anymore for that split second of her arms around me, i knew this summer was going to become a big impact in my life. it was amazing days went by and i saw beautiful places and did extraordinary things, but besides all the sights and views i also got a chance to gain a family in hilo at new hope  church. i began showing more emotions than i have in awhile to others. i wasn't afraid anymore to cry or feel pain i was letting everything out all my anger and sadness and pouring it out into worship into song. i started to grow within myself for the love of christ, and truthfully that scared me i was terrified because i felt like i wasn't ready to open my heart to jesus christ yet i was fighting with everything in me to reject that feeling and urge in my heart .  Sunday, June 26, 2016 came along and i sat there waiting for service and worship to begin and i just started getting this funny feeling my stomach and heart and i knew for some reason this sunday was going to be different and a message was coming for me i just didn't know what at the time...worship begun and i stood up and within the first song i was in tears after every song i was filled with emotion every song told me something and hit my heart like a power ball, i was still confused on what message i was expecting to receive, so still being patient i sat down and waited for the service to start. the service was so powerful that i found myself starting to write on a piece of paper that was laid on my lap...i sat there and when i finished writing i was mixed with a million emotions because when i was writing i didnt know i was writing its like someone was sending me a message on paper and i was writing what i was being told in my heart and soul. my message on paper was this ....
  
          "Today I'm praying on paper I've never sat down and prayed or asked for hep from you but being here and coming to church regular I've grown and i think I'm ready to Accept Christ. My sister has opened my eyes and showed me I'm really not alone and lone is all I've ever known so now knowing im not brings a weight off my shoulders I've cried and laughed and showed more emotions than i have in a long time since my return to church and love from my hilo family! i want to keep growing and become a christian of GOD!i think I'm ready to finally ask for help after 20 years of being on my own! so thank you for letting me in! you truly are a Good Good Father! " 

        A few days later i showed my sister and tears came from her eyes she was proud of me and soon after i messaged my great grandma connie and told her not long after there were more tears of joy, they were proud!  i was happy and ever since i opened my heart to christ a whole new me has arose...im interacting more and showing my love for Christ everyday. worship music guides in times of hurt it bring me back to life. i made the biggest and best decision that i ever could for myself and i know now I'm going to be just fine! i have my strength and the Lords strength so together I'm ready to conquer the world and make a change! i want to make a difference and theres this saying that go to me " CHANGED PEOPLE CHANGE PEOPLE" this is a powerful meaning and I'm ready to start this chapter in my life I'm finally happy and I'm proud of myself to smile, everyday and know I'm not alone anymore and i can ask for help if needed. everything is going to be ok i know that now in my heart . so join me in this new adventure and let me share the new me with you I'm excited ! staying me forever and always! 

                                                                                       love Yours truly, 
                                                                      your Lupie WARRIOR Stasiia 

Can I Break?

           I'm sitting here in an act of fear , a fear of not knowing where i go from here....i've been so stressed and no one even sees it. i wish i could go back 19 years  and change my life...make it all disappear  , all the wrongs, all the struggles, everything i went through, i want to go back and feel weakness . I've lived everyday with the act of being strong for others, not once for myself. i did it because it was my only choice...for my family, for my brothers, sisters and my mom....being the strong one wasn't easy i acted like i was fine when deep inside i was dying ...I'm one person who can say I've felt pain, and hurt , and absolutely  hopeless more than any person should in one lifetime. I've experienced and seen more than one should in 19 years,  i feel like i use my past as a barrier in my present when try so hard not to ....what I've been through affects me in so many ways no one would understand...others say the past is the past and it should be left behind to live your present and look forward to your future....but my past haunts me, one act that i do or someone does that was part of my past just makes me remember it all , all over again . it doesn't go away...someone told me one time i use my past as an excuse and honestly it hit me hard ..i didn't have anything to say, i felt like everything went black ...i don't see myself using my past as an excuse  i see myself using my past as a barrier of protection. to not relive the same situation or be put in the same situation. i don't want my past to be in my present or future, i deserve more than i lived than. i could re-live every second, minute, hour, and day of my childhood. i could tell you every action taken, every seen i went through detail by detail. but that won't fix anything it will just be a memory . I'm a 19 year old girl who lives every day worrying what comes next. I've been through a lot yes but that doesn't define who i have become ....lupus was just a add on in my exciting life....honestly i wasn't surprised when i got sick, it gave me another reason to show my strength to prove i can overcome my darkest hours , i wasn't made to break and yes ill admit i break down here and there but who doesn't...i'm human. I'm at a crossroad in my life right now ...do i stay strong or break? i seriously want to break , but i know that would only mean i lost hope...I'm not that girl, i will stay strong until my battle is over with life. I' have nothing to prove to anyone except myself ..to prove my strength has reason, because without my strength i wouldn't have made it this far...so i have to keep going...i have nothing more to lose ...With Pain Comes Strength! 

                                                                                              Your Warrior, 
                                                                                                      Annastasia <3

Wonders …

I sit in silence sometimes wondering What If ……It's hard to think of what could've been or who and where I could've been if I hadn't of got Sick at 15. So many things changed its like one day my life just did a complete 360 turn around and it was all unplanned in matter of time ' the clock never stopped for me every second,  minute,  hour,  and day that passed it's like things only got harder for me. In between all that time I had I really didn't have enough to capture the fact of what had truly happened to me ' I didn't understand I nodded yes to the doctors I smiled for family I hid it all to make it all easy on everyone else ' I never once doubted the fact I wasn't going to be okay because I knew I would be …but it was the little bit of time I needed for me that I never got to just release every feeling and scream and act of fear I had built inside me from information that was needed for the rest of my life.I was scared and I still am every day ...I've learned to accept it but no one will fully ever understand what I go through not even other lupus warriors because we each have our own story and struggles ! I just want the fear to go away but I know it's always going to be here and I'm just going to have to live through it ! Like I have been my whole life......just not my night so much on my mind I'm just done :/ 

                          Like Always , 

                                 Stasia 

Four Years Of Being a Lupie

            So 4 years ago from today I was diagnosed with SLE -Lupus . It's a lot for me to take in and come to realization that I've made it this far . Sometimes it doesn't seem real but It's as real as it gets  and I'm doing just fine ' having lupus obviously wasn't something that was planned it kind of just happened and I could ask a million questions on why and how ? But there are no answers ....i think the hardest part for me are the questions asked , people come to me and ask and ask but how do you give answers you don't really know yourself ? Lupus is called the mystery disease because no one really knows how or why you get it . Every case is different and every person reacts and deals with it different ! In my case I took it hard at first but I wasn't not once alone in this battle even if I had my days of loneliness someone  was always there on the outside . My family has been a huge supporter for me and my friends and doctors ....I wish I had enough words to describe how thankful I am and how I wish they all knew i couldn't have done it without them ! I knew when I got through my first year which was my hardest year I'd be okay it was a big comeback for me it really was because in that first year I was a newbie to lupus and I was just trying to understand and figure and process what I was seriously going through ! It impacted me more than anything ever has and it hasn't been an easy route but I've managed to smile and get through it by faith and strength! I've been through more than most I've experienced a lot while having lupus and symptoms that come along with it like the chest pains, depression,  changes , fatigue, nausea,fevers,hair loss,mouth sores,skin rashes,swelling ,ulcers,weight loss, and so much more . Everyday can be something new good or bad it gets tough and I get frustrated a lot because sometimes I just want it all gone and the pain to ease but I can't change that with a snap of finger so I have to go through the pain first then ease my way to feeling better again . It's like a process  the bad comes before the good and it's not always like that don't get me wrong I take care of myself and I haven't had many flare ups in a while but when I do no matter how long it last I keep my head up and I stay strong ! 

                                                                                  your lUPUS WARRIOR , 
                   

                            

Struggles give you Strength

Life has so many obstacles awaiting for me in this world...i feel myself sitting in silence sometimes just to come to realization my world has conquered so much in the last 19 years...my greatest outcome is learning that there is no easy way out but that doesn't mean my strength will give out. I've been through the worse and the best, I've seen my world change, I've let go of those who have left , I've put down my fears and weaknesses, I've walked my way through regret, I've ran from hurt and pain, i allowed others in and let some go, I've done everything i could to make the world see me in a depth of light. I'am only human and i stand as one , one on my own. "I've heard a voice that told me I'm essential. how all my fears are limiting my potential. said its time to step into the light and use every bit of power i have inside! " With this quote i see an outcome of better and a chance to Live to the fullest to live like its my last ...through the years I've suffered with this mystery invisible disease it has saved me in every way possible. Lupus doesn't define me i define it , on every decision , or action i make on a day by day basis it affects me. i must think the right before the wrong one wrong decision could determine my entire life. I've always been that girl to think of everyone before herself...im still like that! i hide a lot of my feelings and i do that because thats all i know..  to laugh when I'm sad,mad,scared, every emotion of mine doesn't seem real to others. I've felt the need to stay strong and by doing so not showing how i truly feel or pushing it away and letting it go always seemed like the easy way out..ive done that all my life, but now i must learn to show it all good or bad in my heart i know I'm not alone but in my head i am .....every one always sees me with a smile and joy of laughter but sometimes i wish they saw my deepest emotions ..lupus affected me more than anyone could ever imagine , it gave a whole new look on life, it opened my eyes on judgement , i live off medications but who would ever know, i feel pain everyday but who would ever know, I'm tired by doing so little but again who would ever know.. no one does because its all in the inside...and your seen by the outside. i fight an ugly war inside my body every single day i may not win this battle but I'm not going down without a fair fight. I'm a WARRIOR! My Fight isn't over not for a while...i Promise. 


                                                                                                Your Lupus WARRIOR, 
                                                                                                       Annastasia 

i Wanted to read this to you so you know how hard this is and how I'm not afraid anymore ...

Changes Last Forever...

So its been forever since I've wrote and my apologies , I've been so busy and things have been a bit crazy where I'm at in my life right now.  its like i have so much running through my mind to tell you but once i write it just doesn't come out the way i want ...i woke up this morning in tears and i didn't know why , so many changes in so little time, i woke up living another lupus day on my own...my rock and best friend has recently left me, my a baby sister.... of course its been hard and i miss her everyday! she has been by my side through it all and I've been by hers since the day she was born. even though she is gone it was time for her to fly...she moved to Tennessee with my mom on may 22nd 2015 and since then a piece of me is gone . i talk to her everyday but its still not the same the first few weeks i cried every day and night and i couldn't sleep with the light off and id still pull her bed out every night and make it as if she was coming to bed. it might of been unhealthy but it was the only way for me to realize night after night she wasn't coming back . i know she is happy and healthy and more alive but its hard to lose a best friend and little sister so suddenly someone you saw as your own daughter ! Diane was the only one who went through every tear, hospital visit, drs appointments and pain with me...on my hardest nights she would stay up with me util she knew i was okie , she wiped my tears and laid with me and told me something silly to make me laugh or put my favorite movie on little mermaid of course ...she knew all the right things all my secrets and my worse and best times, and i know i can never repay her or thank her for everything she has done for me . i love her so much and i know now all i can do is watch her grow from a distance and become that beautiful caring young lady she was for me! She's going to change the world one day and I'm going to support her and when she's in pain ill be the one flying to save her just as she did for me ! siblings are everything in life..they are the ones who understand you like no other ..well at least mine do! i just wanted to tell her thank you and i love you baby girl! no worries I'm going to be okie i promise.... 

                                                        This blog was for me to let go and write what i couldn't say in person ....this was for everyone to know I'm going to be okay ! and that i love my diane with all my heart <3 
            
                                                                                     Love your Stasia!

Good & Bad News...

So Alot has changed since i last written & there's so much to say, it what seems like so little tiime.My Health hasnt been doing so great, ive been going through alot & stress has led me to a flare up. i was hospitalized on Dec. 1st but im out & on some new medication, added to the rest aha my stomach has been hurting alot so they prescribed new pills. i wasnt happy but if it helps then it helps. other than tht ive been pretty good. School is going amazing, i love it and soon it will be over & then college. its right around the corner, im excited. ive been working with the special ed alot i love it , they love me . i have probably been proposed to like a 100 times now aha  so ill make sure you guys are invited to my Weddings. so ive been doing alot lately with my girls.  i got the chance to meet two amazin young ladies at my school , they are foreign exchange students & i love them to death! we are inseparably. Patricia is from Denmark & shes 16 & shes just beautiful inside & out! Elisa is from Germany & shes 17, she knows exactly what to say & can make my day! shes beautiful all around! I LOVE THEM & THEY ARE FAMILY ! <3 so you can say its been going good for me, im living it up still! i love youh all & Remember to Staay Strong & LOOk up towards God he will be here or u through it all! <3 
                    
                                                                                                                      Stasiia ^_^

Touched By An Angel of God

Wow Seems like forever ago since i got the chance to sit down and write. I  forgot how much i've missed it. So much has been going on and  keeping me busy. Great news though my Lupus has been doing great, no flare ups or hospital time for me in the past few years, i'm so blessed. My Medication hasn't changed, no lowering or adding so that's good. gosh its crazy to think in 3 months its actually going to be 3 years having been diagnosed with lupus. i look back and see through all the suffering and pain and hurt i went through, i'm still here with my head held high. i'm conquering over everything i put my mind to, i've always been the one to help others and do anything i can for who ever needs me. Right now i'm in the process of helping special need students, i love it so much. i love being involved, i joined a club at school called Best Buddies, its where we get to hang out and be with the special ed kids at lunch. i am also teaching them sign language during my 6th period. its great, they are so sweet and always have smiles on their faces. it brings me joy to be working with them. My goal on becoming a children's autism teacher is coming so soon, this is my last year of high school and then college.  ive been getting so much help and encouragement and advice from all my teachers, and my family and also from church. i have recently started a new chapter in my life and begun going to church. It has gave me so much more faith and beliefs i enjoy every moment of it. i also am an assistant for the children's ministries i work with an amazing lady, she gives and does so much for everyone around her, her name is Mrs.Linda, im very glad i have got the chance to help her and talk with her. she has a beautiful heart and brings so much joy to this world. being in church has gave me a different perspective on many things and realizing that there's more to life than just living, its also fulfilling your dreams and goals. i Love knowing now that God has a bigger plan for me  than i have ever realized before. When i got diagnosed so many  people were praying for me, some i didn't even know, but those prays helped me recover to who i am today and standing here strong. it was very hard time for me and probably the worst but i want to thank all who stopped and spoke my name to help me get better because they really saved me. I am a person of inspiration, wisdom, faith, and the gift of life. i'm going to be here for everyone who needs help or a lift to rise from a hard time. everything happens for a reason so don't let anything stop you from conquering or achieving something worth time. Timing is Everything. hope to keep updating soon and keep letting you know the new chapters and adventurers in my crazy life.Always Have Faiith In YourSelf! 
                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                         Loove Stasiiia<3

Taken Care of By The Best

       So I know im kind of late but my 18th birthday was on March 5th and it was a very special day for me so for its its another memory to write down and share with my blog! Can you believe im 18 now, gosh Ive came so far in what seems like so little time. but because im the way i am i owe a big thanks to my hospital, they are just a staff to me they are my family! Dr.Shaham, Lizz, Mary Lyn, My social worker Leah, and everyone else in my doctors office of rheumatology, i thank you all for Taking such great care of me and giving my hope. I came into Miller's Children's hospital in 2011 not knowing if i was going to be okay, its like i had doctor after doctor everyday! i was scared, but having doctors and nurses that come in with smiles or coming in to just make sure im doing good made it a little better. it gave me Hope that no matter what i was getting taken care of by people who understand. Every time i have another doctors appointment im so excited to just go and hear im doing okay but i love going because i know my hospital family is there. I love You you all so very much! & i loved my gift they surprised me with for my 18th bday, it brought tears to my eyes that You all came in sang happy birthday and showed more love! So Thanks For Showing me and letting Others Know That im an inspiration because i couldn't have done this without Any of you special Ladies! 

My 2 Years Annversary!& Still Standing Strong

          Can't believe Ive made it 2 years and I'm still standing strong and keeping my hopes up for whatever challenges I'm going to face everyday that comes through. The past 2 years have changed my life and impacted everything i do or ever did, on December 8th 2011 i got diagnosed with Lupus at age 15 and i had no clue what was really going on, i was so confused and lost. Looking back and remembering everyday i spent at Millers Children's Hospital for what seemed like forever, made me who i am today.  People think once something bad happens and changes everything it breaks you but Not Me, lupus made me stronger and made me want to achieve my goals even more than i ever wanted to. My first year was probably the hardest and it took time for me to recover and get into remission. I went to taking medication every other hour throughout the night and more dosages than you could ever imagine and now i only take 9 pills in the morning and 4 at night now and their only 4 different pills. I remember i would wake up with chest and stomach pains so bad every morning, or having to call 911 because i was having a panic attack and feeling as if i was dying inside . I was so tired of hurting and being in  pain i wanted to just give up but i know i had to stay strong because i knew i couldn't give up on myself and my family. So many people were praying and keeping me stay strong. Its like every day was something new, i never knew what was going to happen, whether i would be laughing or crying, or spending the day at home or in a hospital, everyday i was scared whether i showed it or not. & I'm still scared and i still worry because anything could happen. Being in the hospital for a month wasn't something i planned but i was thankful that i got out on Christmas day and got to spend it with my brothers and sister and my family.  was weak and shaky and couldn't do much but coming home to a warm welcoming i would have to say it was the best Christmas ever.  I Remember waking up one morning and Yelling and feeling as if i gave up, i wanted everyone to stop telling me i was going to be ok because i knew it wasn't going to be,  everything was changing my looks, moods, personality and the way others saw me and just showed pity, i kept telling myself my life was over and i was just a broken wing. all i wanted were answers, so i got on my knees and prayed and asked God, "why me, why did you do this to me" i never got a answer but i look back and know why , i got an answer now and believe it not i thank God now for saving MY LIFE. Lupus saved me in every way possible, yeah it put me through hell in the beginning but my life is healthy and better than its ever been. If it wasn't for Lupus i wouldn't be with my Nana and Papa, i wouldn't have been going to high school with my best friend and i wouldn't be here right now writing to you!God Is my Savor! I know his upcoming year is going to be a year to remember for me! So im going to cherish every moment! and live up to my Fullest!

                                                                                                Love Your Lupus Warrior 
                                                                                                              Stasiia =]

My Strength

 

This Song has helped me through alot, it was dedicated to me and its meaning tells it all!  

Back to Catching Up !

          I feel like i haven't blogged in while so i guess its time to catch up on everything. Well I'm back in school after 2 and a half years of freaking homeschooling aha. I love school, learning and experiencing the life of a teenager finally and cherishing my high school years.  My grades are good and I'm making every moment last. I only have 2 more years then I'm done with high school. its really scary to think about, i wish i could've experienced all four years of high school but i guess everything happens for a reason right . I'm just catching up this year and getting my credits so i can graduate with my class of 2015! Tiime is flying by so fast and i don't think I'm ready for the outside world. Soon high school will be over and then college..its a scary to think that its just around the corner. i already know what i want in life, I'm a fighter and I'm not giving up my dream. My dream is to become a children's autism teacher , i will succeed and i won't give up till i do. My life isn't perfect, i don't ask for much, because i have all i need in life. I love my life! ohh did i mention i have a boyfriend. =] yeh i know its scary thing to think about lol He's perfect in my own way, his name is Ethan Purdy, and your probably wondering hows he like, so here it goes. Ethan makes my world 10x better, i can be myself around him , he makes me happy. We met in my first period , English, what caught my eye was his lovely Dimples, and blue eyes! he's so handsome!!!! He's going to impact my life i already know because when he looks at me , its like I'm the only girl in the world. Which makes my world brighter.  So i guess you can say I'm living that fairytale =] …….now to catch up on my beautiful health aha my health couldn't be better, I'm as healthy as i can be right now, no stress, or heartache, no pain. everything is great. I'm finally off those icky sticky steroids so I'm back to my old Stasiia Look! ……getting diagnosed with lupus was a huge change and hard time for me , but now that i look back and see all the pain and hurt i had to go through it made me a stronger person. i look back and feel blessed to still be here and living to the fullest. they always say everything thing happens for  reason  right, at first i never knew my reason for what happened to me. but now that I've grown and become who i am today i think i know why…if hadn't been diagnosed with lupus my life would be so different, it wouldn't be good, getting lupus saved me in a way, i live with my nana and papa and my little sister and I'm doing absolutely amazing, if it wasn't for them idk where i would be or what kind of problems id be into. they saved my life and i can never thank them enough. i love you Nana & Papa!! well before things get more emotional that all i got for ya right now, but I'm back to blogging so try to keep up! :D 

Your Adorkable Lovin Stasiia! <3 

A Life Changing Moment!

   Hey Everyone I wanted to share a little bit of my story with you so you understand why this Walk is important & so maybe you can understand a little bit of im going through. I got diagnosed with lupus (SLE) when i was 15 on December 8th 2011, its been a challenge & has had a dramatic change & its impacted my entire life. Lupus isn't just something you can just let go of & forget about. I have ti take care of myself, watch what i eat ,make sure i take my medication & so much more to add to that list of living! 

    My first year was probably the hardest, getting use to the medication, being in the hospital, & not knowing what was wrong..it killed me inside! I wanted the doctors to tell me that i just a minor Sickness & i would be fine in a few days, but they didn't. when they walked in my room at Queen of valley hospital & the doctor gave me a look like something was seriously wrong, i just remember the tears falling down my face. He told me i had a serious disease that not only wasn't curable but i would have forever, right then & there i just went numb, & thought about everything & everyone! MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, & ABOUT MYSELF! 

    They transferred me to long beach millers children's hospital & i was in there for quite a while, about a month. The doctors kept telling me i was a strong girl & i would get through this just fine, but i thought they were just making me feel good. I had 9 out of the 11 symptoms of lupus, i was strong before i got lupus & i am going to stay strong no matter what, because i know ill be fine. I have everything i need in life, my family, friends & my self confidence! They say everything happens for a reason, i wish i knew the reason for why this happened to me, but i don't. i don't know why bad things happen to people but I'm just hoping something good will come out of it someday! i didn't know how strong i really was until being strong was the only choice i had left. 
    I'm sharing this with you because i want you all to understand that this walk isn't just a walk, its a chance to change lives & not just mine but for anyone who is surviving or losing their lives to Lupus! 
Please Walk With me or donate on this memorable day! it means more then the world to me, Anything matters a penny could change the lives of others! 

1Year Lupus! Annversery!

   So hey you guys guess what ... its officially 1 year now with lupus! It was a year on December 8th! I can't believe I've came so far in a year, i lost weight. I went to 156 lbs to 126 lbs now.  i am so proud of myself! Also, i went from taking 75milligrams of prednisone (steroids) to only 5 milligrams! =] My body was so swollen and big, i was so insecure and just hated it, but i knew in time that the weight would slowly come off as i cut down the prednisone. Even though it took a year and I still have  little puffy cheeks, im going out and having fun and just back to being myself! I remember looking in the mirror and not even recognizing my reflection, it hurt and i sometimes cried myself to sleep. But beyond all that I'm me and i held my head high and didn't look down for anything! & Im doing something about it, i go to the gym 3 days out of the week, i go to alternative school, and i appreciate that even though i was diagnosed with a disease that not only isn't cure-able and I'm  going to have for the rest of my life but i always have to stay strong and never give up. I still break down here and then and ask Why this happened to me, but i know i will always have someone to catch me when i do! I have so much planned ahead of me and dreams i have to achieve. =] The Only thing in life that matters are your dreams, love, and laughing! thats what gets me day by day! always keep your head up and DREAM BIG! LOVE LOTS! & LAUGH LOUD! 
                                             
                                                                      Muahh~ Stasiia =]

Partie tiime!

     Hey you guys & gals I've lost more weight, & lots of it! I've lost a total of 28 lbs. I'm so proud of myself and with the help of the health factor(my gym). It's so great working out and feeling good about myself! I Weigh 128 now, instead a big fat 156! ahhh i've came so far, I'm still trying to get use to it. at first i didn't think i could do it, but i'm so dedicated to it and getting back to myself, i'm got it done!
      Well Anyways last night i had a blast with my little sister & best friend Mireya, we had a slumber party and took over 200 pictures...haha that's a lot! We had so much fun, we tried making fried Oreos but they didn't come out so well because we didn't have a deep fryer! XD Instead we  decided to eat cake & pie, much easier.  Well Last All i got for now, ohhh wait i forgot to tell you guys we decorated my house for christams and i swear christams puked everywhere haha!! ill post pictures of the slumber party and my christmas house!!! 
                                                            Muahh~ Stasiia=]