5 Year Anniversary

December 8th 2011... No one could ever understand the meaning behind this date except me. The day i got diagnosed is the day that will always be remembered...although everyone remembers it different,  the day your phone rings and getting a call saying " Stasia is really sick and shes  in the hospital" "she has lupus" then thinking to yourself "oh she's going to be ok, this to shall pass" "whats lupus" "how did she get it" all these questions were being brought up and thought of...but can you just imagine what was running through my mind and all the questions i had at 15 years old laying in a hospital bed with doctors and nurses and social workers surrounding me on a day to day basis. I was terrified ! Its crazy to me to know i can recite that day in my head by every second and minute and hour that passed. i remember being home sick for a week because i was having issues, my knees were hurting so bad i couldn't even walk, i started getting some type of rash on my face, and ulcers all in my mouth and on my body, that's when i finally told my mom we need to make a doctors appointment because i knew something wasn't right, i knew i wasn't ok...my mom called one of her friends to come take me and her to the closest walk in doctor around town, when we got to the doctors office i was telling my mom hopefully this goes quick and i can get back to school...well the doctor called me in to get checked out and i told him all my symptoms and what i remember more than anything was the look this doctor gave me...that moment i looked at my mom and my heart starting beating because i knew i was right im not ok...the doctor didnt say a word he grabbed a notepad and started writing and handed it to me saying i need to go to queen of the valley hospital this is a more serious situation than he can handle. so i walked out and we headed to the hospital in silence because i had nothing to say. well i arrived at queen of the valley and because of that stupid little note i got a straight through pass, no waiting for me....i was placed in a room and i was still quiet and so was my mom...we were both scared and worried and just wanted answers...so again i had to wait for another doctor. i had 3 doctors check me out one at a time top to bottom it was so uncomfortable for me i was shaking...the n they left and what felt like forever the clock just kept ticking and i was still laying there in silence....finally a doctor came in and looked at me and asked if he wanted my mom to step out of the room and i said no i want her here by my side...so he checked me top to bottom just like the other 3 and when he was done he looked at me and again i had nothing but fear in my eyes from his...he didn't say anything at first he just kept staring at my mom then to me again and finally said Ms.Gonzalez we think you have lupus or bechets ...i had no idea what he even said because i've never heard of either of those,,then he continued....they are autoimmune diseases , a cancer! i stayed calm but frozen and felt tears falling down my face then telling him to continue to explain....he said that's all the predictions we can make or tell you so he said i'm transferring you to millers children's long beach hospital we will have the ambulance take you we have to keep you monitored. then he left the room and i looked at my mom in fear and she looked at me the same way because her baby girl wasn't ok... the ambulance ride felt like it took forever i was laying there hooked up with monitors and needles in my arms and strapped down to a bed, when we arrived it was super late so they submitted me to a room a really small room. with blue walls and a single hospital bed that i didn't wanna fill. i was so tired i just wanted to sleep but i couldn't i had more doctors to see and more worrying to do. all through out the night i had nurses coming in and changing my fluids and poking me with more needles and running test after test... a few days passed and i was still laying there but they changed me rooms a bigger one i guess to try to make me feel comfortable...i still haven't got any answers just test after test still...could you imagine what i was going through days passing and still not knowing anything,,,,after more days passed a doctor came in Dr.Shaham and she looked at me and checked me top to bottom which was nothing new for me in that moment...she was asking me questions and i remember not being able to answer or remember so i broke down and started crying she lifted my head and said we can do this tomorrow...and hugged me and walked out while i rested for another long endless night....the next day she walked in again and told my mom to come near me along side the bed and she said "you have lupus" thats when my life did a complete 360....she went on explaining what it was and that its disease, no cure, meds for treatment, its chronic which means ill have it forever....i didnt cry, i didnt tear up, i didnt freeze, i simply said "ok" she handed me a stack of papers and it was for me to do my own research and get to know my disease. a nurse then walked in with the biggest bag of pills and meds ive ever seen, she said these are yours...we will have a nurse come in and tell you when an how to take them...i just said "ok" it wasnt until december 25th 2011 i got to go home..christmas day...i was so weak and tired i couldnt do much. no one could see me unless you had a face mask and gloves and sanitized completely .days went by more hospitals visits and pain that was unbearable...i was ready to let go and give up so many times...but i didnt i stayed strong and the thing is it was really for me i did it more my mom and my siblings that i know needed me around....if it wasnt for them i probably woudnt be here today....lupus changed my life and who i am as an individual. the first few years were rough and i lost myself i was depressed and felt more alone than ever...but again that didnt stop me...years kept going and now im here at year 5 healthier than ive ever been since the day i got sick. people say im an inspiration and its those who stick with me that inpsire me to be who i am. lupus saved my life! im a lupus warrior and forever will i stay strong and live life to the fullest!


                                                                  Love as Always your lUPIE! <3

I Am Strong!

        You ever feel as if you're standing in a large crowd but yet still feel as if your alone and no one even notices you're there? Sometimes i feel so out place and far far away in a world where no one exist...its terrifying and i find myself losing direction on where to go or who to turn to! im not one to give up and im not saying im starting now because giving up isn't in my cards and never will be even when im at my toughest moments. But i don't think others realize its okay for me to not be okay every second of the day, im only human and just like anyone else in this world we have our good and bad and our  ups and downs, perfect living doesn't exist in this world or even in fairy-tales.  Struggles come and go as do seconds, minutes, hours,  and days....they fly by like a blink of an eye. I have had many struggles and obstacles in my time but thats never stopped me from moving forward ..don't get me wrong I've wanted to let go and give up multiple times but then i look back and realize thats not who i want to be...i have a strength like no other..i've learned to strive and be thankful for what i have even if its not that much! i know my worth and its ok for me to be selfish sometimes. others don't understand you have to put yourself first at times and let others go to find yourself.  I've seen a me come out that i thought was lost forever...the couple of months i have done a complete u turn and i see everything with all new perspectives. I'm so happy an alive and getting everything in line finally. I'm a college student starting her dream while working at a job with nothing but great experience as a teacher. i strive through my days with the Lord and with a positive attitude.  my health is better than its ever been in the last 5 years...every one is so proud of me but can you imagine how i feel! I' can finally sit here and tell the world besides my struggles and my health and my ups and downs i am absolutely the HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE! I'm my own hero of my own story and its just the beginning...but i will get my happy ending one day and no one can change that! forever i will be a  Lupus Warrior and a Warrior of God! Life is Good ! Change is a blessing! & Strength is Inner Beauty! 

                                                                        Love As Always, 
                                                                             Stasiia Your Lupie Warrior <3

Change Matters...

          So tonight I'm sitting here with more than a changed me but I'm someone with a whole new outlook on life and all new perspectives..i've grown from the last time I've wrote and I'm happier than ever, its my time to tell you how my new journey is going i hope your ready so here i go.....
          i found myself losing faith in myself and everything around me i was acting out and giving up on everything and everyone. i was scared because i didn't like the me that was coming i cried alot because i felt alone and lost,like i had no one. but in this time of desperation i was calling out for a change something good, but it never came it was as if things just kept getting worse for me...i was becoming a nobody, and not doing anything with my life. it was one thing after another and no change was happening so i was ready to give up everything and end it all. no one had realized the pain and hurt i was going through because i smiled my ways through the day and hid the lost in my eyes it wasn't easy in fact it felt like it just made things worse because i was keeping everything in. 
          but then a miracle happened and my papa booked a ticket to Hawaii so i was leaving for a month , a getaway somewhere i was hoping i could get my mind off everything and let go and enjoy myself with my big sister Marilyn and my lovely nieces Amaya and Kylee. i got there and tears of joy hit my face she hugged me with such care and love i felt safe and not alone anymore for that split second of her arms around me, i knew this summer was going to become a big impact in my life. it was amazing days went by and i saw beautiful places and did extraordinary things, but besides all the sights and views i also got a chance to gain a family in hilo at new hope  church. i began showing more emotions than i have in awhile to others. i wasn't afraid anymore to cry or feel pain i was letting everything out all my anger and sadness and pouring it out into worship into song. i started to grow within myself for the love of christ, and truthfully that scared me i was terrified because i felt like i wasn't ready to open my heart to jesus christ yet i was fighting with everything in me to reject that feeling and urge in my heart .  Sunday, June 26, 2016 came along and i sat there waiting for service and worship to begin and i just started getting this funny feeling my stomach and heart and i knew for some reason this sunday was going to be different and a message was coming for me i just didn't know what at the time...worship begun and i stood up and within the first song i was in tears after every song i was filled with emotion every song told me something and hit my heart like a power ball, i was still confused on what message i was expecting to receive, so still being patient i sat down and waited for the service to start. the service was so powerful that i found myself starting to write on a piece of paper that was laid on my lap...i sat there and when i finished writing i was mixed with a million emotions because when i was writing i didnt know i was writing its like someone was sending me a message on paper and i was writing what i was being told in my heart and soul. my message on paper was this ....
  
          "Today I'm praying on paper I've never sat down and prayed or asked for hep from you but being here and coming to church regular I've grown and i think I'm ready to Accept Christ. My sister has opened my eyes and showed me I'm really not alone and lone is all I've ever known so now knowing im not brings a weight off my shoulders I've cried and laughed and showed more emotions than i have in a long time since my return to church and love from my hilo family! i want to keep growing and become a christian of GOD!i think I'm ready to finally ask for help after 20 years of being on my own! so thank you for letting me in! you truly are a Good Good Father! " 

        A few days later i showed my sister and tears came from her eyes she was proud of me and soon after i messaged my great grandma connie and told her not long after there were more tears of joy, they were proud!  i was happy and ever since i opened my heart to christ a whole new me has arose...im interacting more and showing my love for Christ everyday. worship music guides in times of hurt it bring me back to life. i made the biggest and best decision that i ever could for myself and i know now I'm going to be just fine! i have my strength and the Lords strength so together I'm ready to conquer the world and make a change! i want to make a difference and theres this saying that go to me " CHANGED PEOPLE CHANGE PEOPLE" this is a powerful meaning and I'm ready to start this chapter in my life I'm finally happy and I'm proud of myself to smile, everyday and know I'm not alone anymore and i can ask for help if needed. everything is going to be ok i know that now in my heart . so join me in this new adventure and let me share the new me with you I'm excited ! staying me forever and always! 

                                                                                       love Yours truly, 
                                                                      your Lupie WARRIOR Stasiia 

Can I Break?

           I'm sitting here in an act of fear , a fear of not knowing where i go from here....i've been so stressed and no one even sees it. i wish i could go back 19 years  and change my life...make it all disappear  , all the wrongs, all the struggles, everything i went through, i want to go back and feel weakness . I've lived everyday with the act of being strong for others, not once for myself. i did it because it was my only choice...for my family, for my brothers, sisters and my mom....being the strong one wasn't easy i acted like i was fine when deep inside i was dying ...I'm one person who can say I've felt pain, and hurt , and absolutely  hopeless more than any person should in one lifetime. I've experienced and seen more than one should in 19 years,  i feel like i use my past as a barrier in my present when try so hard not to ....what I've been through affects me in so many ways no one would understand...others say the past is the past and it should be left behind to live your present and look forward to your future....but my past haunts me, one act that i do or someone does that was part of my past just makes me remember it all , all over again . it doesn't go away...someone told me one time i use my past as an excuse and honestly it hit me hard ..i didn't have anything to say, i felt like everything went black ...i don't see myself using my past as an excuse  i see myself using my past as a barrier of protection. to not relive the same situation or be put in the same situation. i don't want my past to be in my present or future, i deserve more than i lived than. i could re-live every second, minute, hour, and day of my childhood. i could tell you every action taken, every seen i went through detail by detail. but that won't fix anything it will just be a memory . I'm a 19 year old girl who lives every day worrying what comes next. I've been through a lot yes but that doesn't define who i have become ....lupus was just a add on in my exciting life....honestly i wasn't surprised when i got sick, it gave me another reason to show my strength to prove i can overcome my darkest hours , i wasn't made to break and yes ill admit i break down here and there but who doesn't...i'm human. I'm at a crossroad in my life right now ...do i stay strong or break? i seriously want to break , but i know that would only mean i lost hope...I'm not that girl, i will stay strong until my battle is over with life. I' have nothing to prove to anyone except myself ..to prove my strength has reason, because without my strength i wouldn't have made it this far...so i have to keep going...i have nothing more to lose ...With Pain Comes Strength! 

                                                                                              Your Warrior, 
                                                                                                      Annastasia <3