Wonders …

I sit in silence sometimes wondering What If ……It's hard to think of what could've been or who and where I could've been if I hadn't of got Sick at 15. So many things changed its like one day my life just did a complete 360 turn around and it was all unplanned in matter of time ' the clock never stopped for me every second,  minute,  hour,  and day that passed it's like things only got harder for me. In between all that time I had I really didn't have enough to capture the fact of what had truly happened to me ' I didn't understand I nodded yes to the doctors I smiled for family I hid it all to make it all easy on everyone else ' I never once doubted the fact I wasn't going to be okay because I knew I would be …but it was the little bit of time I needed for me that I never got to just release every feeling and scream and act of fear I had built inside me from information that was needed for the rest of my life.I was scared and I still am every day ...I've learned to accept it but no one will fully ever understand what I go through not even other lupus warriors because we each have our own story and struggles ! I just want the fear to go away but I know it's always going to be here and I'm just going to have to live through it ! Like I have been my whole life......just not my night so much on my mind I'm just done :/ 

                          Like Always , 

                                 Stasia 

Four Years Of Being a Lupie

            So 4 years ago from today I was diagnosed with SLE -Lupus . It's a lot for me to take in and come to realization that I've made it this far . Sometimes it doesn't seem real but It's as real as it gets  and I'm doing just fine ' having lupus obviously wasn't something that was planned it kind of just happened and I could ask a million questions on why and how ? But there are no answers ....i think the hardest part for me are the questions asked , people come to me and ask and ask but how do you give answers you don't really know yourself ? Lupus is called the mystery disease because no one really knows how or why you get it . Every case is different and every person reacts and deals with it different ! In my case I took it hard at first but I wasn't not once alone in this battle even if I had my days of loneliness someone  was always there on the outside . My family has been a huge supporter for me and my friends and doctors ....I wish I had enough words to describe how thankful I am and how I wish they all knew i couldn't have done it without them ! I knew when I got through my first year which was my hardest year I'd be okay it was a big comeback for me it really was because in that first year I was a newbie to lupus and I was just trying to understand and figure and process what I was seriously going through ! It impacted me more than anything ever has and it hasn't been an easy route but I've managed to smile and get through it by faith and strength! I've been through more than most I've experienced a lot while having lupus and symptoms that come along with it like the chest pains, depression,  changes , fatigue, nausea,fevers,hair loss,mouth sores,skin rashes,swelling ,ulcers,weight loss, and so much more . Everyday can be something new good or bad it gets tough and I get frustrated a lot because sometimes I just want it all gone and the pain to ease but I can't change that with a snap of finger so I have to go through the pain first then ease my way to feeling better again . It's like a process  the bad comes before the good and it's not always like that don't get me wrong I take care of myself and I haven't had many flare ups in a while but when I do no matter how long it last I keep my head up and I stay strong ! 

                                                                                  your lUPUS WARRIOR , 
                   

                            

Struggles give you Strength

Life has so many obstacles awaiting for me in this world...i feel myself sitting in silence sometimes just to come to realization my world has conquered so much in the last 19 years...my greatest outcome is learning that there is no easy way out but that doesn't mean my strength will give out. I've been through the worse and the best, I've seen my world change, I've let go of those who have left , I've put down my fears and weaknesses, I've walked my way through regret, I've ran from hurt and pain, i allowed others in and let some go, I've done everything i could to make the world see me in a depth of light. I'am only human and i stand as one , one on my own. "I've heard a voice that told me I'm essential. how all my fears are limiting my potential. said its time to step into the light and use every bit of power i have inside! " With this quote i see an outcome of better and a chance to Live to the fullest to live like its my last ...through the years I've suffered with this mystery invisible disease it has saved me in every way possible. Lupus doesn't define me i define it , on every decision , or action i make on a day by day basis it affects me. i must think the right before the wrong one wrong decision could determine my entire life. I've always been that girl to think of everyone before herself...im still like that! i hide a lot of my feelings and i do that because thats all i know..  to laugh when I'm sad,mad,scared, every emotion of mine doesn't seem real to others. I've felt the need to stay strong and by doing so not showing how i truly feel or pushing it away and letting it go always seemed like the easy way out..ive done that all my life, but now i must learn to show it all good or bad in my heart i know I'm not alone but in my head i am .....every one always sees me with a smile and joy of laughter but sometimes i wish they saw my deepest emotions ..lupus affected me more than anyone could ever imagine , it gave a whole new look on life, it opened my eyes on judgement , i live off medications but who would ever know, i feel pain everyday but who would ever know, I'm tired by doing so little but again who would ever know.. no one does because its all in the inside...and your seen by the outside. i fight an ugly war inside my body every single day i may not win this battle but I'm not going down without a fair fight. I'm a WARRIOR! My Fight isn't over not for a while...i Promise. 


                                                                                                Your Lupus WARRIOR, 
                                                                                                       Annastasia 

i Wanted to read this to you so you know how hard this is and how I'm not afraid anymore ...

Changes Last Forever...

So its been forever since I've wrote and my apologies , I've been so busy and things have been a bit crazy where I'm at in my life right now.  its like i have so much running through my mind to tell you but once i write it just doesn't come out the way i want ...i woke up this morning in tears and i didn't know why , so many changes in so little time, i woke up living another lupus day on my own...my rock and best friend has recently left me, my a baby sister.... of course its been hard and i miss her everyday! she has been by my side through it all and I've been by hers since the day she was born. even though she is gone it was time for her to fly...she moved to Tennessee with my mom on may 22nd 2015 and since then a piece of me is gone . i talk to her everyday but its still not the same the first few weeks i cried every day and night and i couldn't sleep with the light off and id still pull her bed out every night and make it as if she was coming to bed. it might of been unhealthy but it was the only way for me to realize night after night she wasn't coming back . i know she is happy and healthy and more alive but its hard to lose a best friend and little sister so suddenly someone you saw as your own daughter ! Diane was the only one who went through every tear, hospital visit, drs appointments and pain with me...on my hardest nights she would stay up with me util she knew i was okie , she wiped my tears and laid with me and told me something silly to make me laugh or put my favorite movie on little mermaid of course ...she knew all the right things all my secrets and my worse and best times, and i know i can never repay her or thank her for everything she has done for me . i love her so much and i know now all i can do is watch her grow from a distance and become that beautiful caring young lady she was for me! She's going to change the world one day and I'm going to support her and when she's in pain ill be the one flying to save her just as she did for me ! siblings are everything in life..they are the ones who understand you like no other ..well at least mine do! i just wanted to tell her thank you and i love you baby girl! no worries I'm going to be okie i promise.... 

                                                        This blog was for me to let go and write what i couldn't say in person ....this was for everyone to know I'm going to be okay ! and that i love my diane with all my heart <3 
            
                                                                                     Love your Stasia!