Wonders …

I sit in silence sometimes wondering What If ……It's hard to think of what could've been or who and where I could've been if I hadn't of got Sick at 15. So many things changed its like one day my life just did a complete 360 turn around and it was all unplanned in matter of time ' the clock never stopped for me every second,  minute,  hour,  and day that passed it's like things only got harder for me. In between all that time I had I really didn't have enough to capture the fact of what had truly happened to me ' I didn't understand I nodded yes to the doctors I smiled for family I hid it all to make it all easy on everyone else ' I never once doubted the fact I wasn't going to be okay because I knew I would be …but it was the little bit of time I needed for me that I never got to just release every feeling and scream and act of fear I had built inside me from information that was needed for the rest of my life.I was scared and I still am every day ...I've learned to accept it but no one will fully ever understand what I go through not even other lupus warriors because we each have our own story and struggles ! I just want the fear to go away but I know it's always going to be here and I'm just going to have to live through it ! Like I have been my whole life......just not my night so much on my mind I'm just done :/ 

                          Like Always , 

                                 Stasia 

Four Years Of Being a Lupie

            So 4 years ago from today I was diagnosed with SLE -Lupus . It's a lot for me to take in and come to realization that I've made it this far . Sometimes it doesn't seem real but It's as real as it gets  and I'm doing just fine ' having lupus obviously wasn't something that was planned it kind of just happened and I could ask a million questions on why and how ? But there are no answers ....i think the hardest part for me are the questions asked , people come to me and ask and ask but how do you give answers you don't really know yourself ? Lupus is called the mystery disease because no one really knows how or why you get it . Every case is different and every person reacts and deals with it different ! In my case I took it hard at first but I wasn't not once alone in this battle even if I had my days of loneliness someone  was always there on the outside . My family has been a huge supporter for me and my friends and doctors ....I wish I had enough words to describe how thankful I am and how I wish they all knew i couldn't have done it without them ! I knew when I got through my first year which was my hardest year I'd be okay it was a big comeback for me it really was because in that first year I was a newbie to lupus and I was just trying to understand and figure and process what I was seriously going through ! It impacted me more than anything ever has and it hasn't been an easy route but I've managed to smile and get through it by faith and strength! I've been through more than most I've experienced a lot while having lupus and symptoms that come along with it like the chest pains, depression,  changes , fatigue, nausea,fevers,hair loss,mouth sores,skin rashes,swelling ,ulcers,weight loss, and so much more . Everyday can be something new good or bad it gets tough and I get frustrated a lot because sometimes I just want it all gone and the pain to ease but I can't change that with a snap of finger so I have to go through the pain first then ease my way to feeling better again . It's like a process  the bad comes before the good and it's not always like that don't get me wrong I take care of myself and I haven't had many flare ups in a while but when I do no matter how long it last I keep my head up and I stay strong ! 

                                                                                  your lUPUS WARRIOR ,