Who am I Supposed to Be?

            I'm sitting here an every time i write something i slowly delete it.  it's like i don't know or i forgot how to write what I'm feeling most and it scares me so much, I'm sitting here with a hurt heart and an emotion of anger. i feel like everyday I'm fighting to be a better me and some days i succeed and some days i fail. i fight an everyday battle not only with my lupus but with myself and my bi polar . its like i turn into someone i was supposed to be past but have no control of.  i want to change that but what steps do i take ? i feel like I'm losing myself again and the person i fought to be for months and I'm trying my best to keep this smile across my face and show everyone I'm trying and I'm happy . but how do you tell someone you feel like your dying inside ? how do you tell someone your losing yourself? i don't wanna feel like anyone's burden, i don't wanna feel like I'm disappointing people when I'm supposed to be someone people look up to and follow as a leader. i feel like a failure .... I'm  sitting here on the edge of my bed with a bottle of tequila wondering why i think drinking is okay at a time of hurt ? I'm sitting here thinking of 3 years ago when  i almost took my own life and gave it all up..what was i thinking ...why would i think giving up was an option in my life? why could i be so selfish ...is it wrong to be tired? is it wrong to want to appear as weak for a split moment in time ? i started this blog to show the real me and the struggles and accomplishments of being  warrior ...but why is it i feel like this warrior cant do wrong without being look down upon. on top of fighting this inner battle my health also hasn't made it easy on me to be stress free or the most happy. i feel like my body is shutting down on me , its been doctors and tests and just one thing after another of bad news. I'm terrified the infections through my body will get worse, I'm terrified of the ultrasound i get done will show something else wrong within my body. i just want answers to why my body is constantly in pain. i want answers on why I'm having abnormal bleeding and blood clots the size of my hands, i want answers of why i cant have kids without it killing me . these all boil down to the answer of lupus. the disease that saved  me but yet is also killing me , i don't understand anymore, i don't understand how i deserve this, i don't understand why the very thing in life i want most i cant have . to be a mother and to bare a child of my own. i want someone to think of me and put me first and realize how i feel on a day to day basis, how i feel at doctors appointments receiving bad news and taking it as strong as i show. sadly the only peace of relief i get when I'm in pain or hurting from bad news is my christian music that reassures me there's some kind of hope out there and i start to believe it cant get worse from here. i need reassurance that's its okay to cry in front of others instead of crying when i'm alone, or in the car ride home, or in the shower , or in the middle of night when I'm fighting to sleep. its time for me to show my true colors of hurt to the world and let people see how imperfect i really am . i may be strong, i may be weak, i may be happy and i may be sad. every moment in my life i try to make everyone else happy ans make sure they don't worry , but maybe its time to let them worry and see the pain i bury within myself. its time to put myself first again . its time to get my life and health where its supposed to be . sometimes venting to myself is a start of seeing who i am and who I'm supposed to be. ITS OK TO NOT BE OK! I'm going to get to where i need to be starting today. i'm not here to give up hope or lose my life but I'm allowed to feel pained within myself and actions. the warrior within is rising again in more ways than i've showed in a long time .