Ticking Time Bomb

 do you ever just want to scream and yell at the top of your lungs so it fees like someone hears you? so much is going on and i'm trying to keep my head up and act like i'm getting through it when in all reality i'm really not . i've been having all sorts of health issues for a couple months now , i've had abnormal bleeding and pains that i was concerned about but every time i went to the hospital for it they kept telling me it was hormones. i wasn't getting any answers that made sense , then i started getting really bad blood clots the size of my hand and i was getting more worried . so i finally decided to make an appointment with a specialist a obgyn. my first appointment was on the 1st of this year, good way to start off 2021 right ? well i told the dr everything going on and he told me its definitely not hormones and something more. they ran so many test that day and took 24 tubes of blood. then I had to wait another few weeks for answers. i got 2 calls back saying i had two really bad infections in my body so they sent me meds to clear those up first . January 20th was the next appointment the one we go over all the results and hopefully get some answers to everything going on . they scheduled an ultrasound for me that morning as well. me and ultrasounds never had good luck the last time i had one i found out my sweet pea had no heartbeat, it nearly destroyed me , so i was pretty emotional going in there and getting it done i had a little breakdown but i got through it and let the nurse do her thing. when that finished i went into another room and waited for the dr. which felt like forever . i was getting more and more nervous i'm pretty good about detecting when bad news is coming and i was nothing but right . dr sandler walked in with a nurse who was holding a box a tissues, so in that moment i felt frozen. if they need tissues for me something must really be wrong. he sat down next to me and i looked at him and told him to not sugar coat anything give it to me straight. the ultrasound showed a huge cyst in my uterus that's causing a blockage on my lining which is causing the blood clots in my body. he told me it needs to be removed as soon as possible in which ill be having a surgery and ill be sedated. which that scared me but i didn't shed a tear yet i was staying strong and just trying to listen to every word and understand as best as i could. he said there were other little cyst and something else called appolic in my uterus as well, which they were so small to see he wasn't to worried about it. then he said i have protein S in my urine which is causing my kidneys to be damaged and on the urge of failing. i was holding back the tears and fighting the tight feeling i had in my throat to not burst out in tears. my body was so tense i didn't wanna move. he asked if i was okay and i told him to just continue please.... the next part broke me , he asked me if i still was trying to get pregnant? i told him yes ...he looked at me and told me for my best interest i shouldn't ..i didn't understand i started crying and the nurse sat down next to me and grabbed my hand, dr sandler said if i ever tried to conceive or carry it would kill me . my kidneys and other organs would shut down. so having a baby is not in my story anymore....no one i mean no one will ever understand the pain that shot through my body and the silent tears that followed. i couldn't be strong anymore i wanted to scream . being a mom is something iv dreamt of since i was a little girl taking care of my siblings and everyone else. it was supposed to happen for me, i was supposed to have a little boy and his name was supposed to be leviathan then i was supposed to have a little girl and name her amelia jayne, this is was supposed to be my story . i was supposed to be a mom! i was supposed to have the most precious gift on this earth! what am i supposed to do now ? whats my purpose in my life anymore... its killing me and i'm lost more than ever. i wake up every night at 2:17 and cry , i wake up again and again and the nightmares of the visit stay in my head. i cant sleep anymore i haven't slept since the drs visit! how do you accept something that wasn't supposed to happen? i'm so mad at god and people telling me i'm going to be fine ! how do they know that.. i feel like a ticking time bomb just ready to explode and lose it all. kidneys damaged, no babies, cyst, surgery, it was all playing in my head over and over . is this my story now. to wait for my kidneys to fail, to wait for my lupus to hit the rest of my main organs. i'm scared, i'm terrified, i'm sad, and mad and every emotion that describes not happy . i taking this all one day at time but its not easy, waiting for this surgery date is nerve racking , i feel like i have no control over my own body anymore. lupus is taking over my life for the first time in 9 years i feel like its winning and i'm losing . this is the only place i can truly express myself and write how i truly feel with no judgement or disappointment ! i guess we wait and see what happens next ..... i need to find some kind of hope again.... ;/